Everybody has a past... This is mine...You ought to know....
Evanescence:
Born in middle-class, I have never ever felt like one in the society because of the vow that my dad took like every other dad promises himself, ‘My son should be able to afford anything he wants and he shouldn’t suffer like I did’. Cloaked underneath the stereotypes of a Brahmin family, I was taken care just like a prince fortified within the beliefs and heed of my parents. I began to perceive things from their eyes as if they were my sight to the world. I hardly dared to think beyond those walls and I was in their world. As a kiddo I enjoyed all such comfort given to me but have never thought about the life without them. From the day I knew this world I was brought up with a belief that friends always spoil you which was totally insane. A hostile, uncharted dimension was lying outside those wooden doors, waiting to be explored. Life went-by acquiring happiness in petty things until I fluttered out to the paradox trying to mingle with the majority. I began to reflect my parents to the world outside and I never knew myself even then. While everyone was fulfilling their ‘teenage dreams’, I was into nothing. I was neither a nerd, who sits in the front row wearing huge glasses, questioning everything the teacher had to say nor one of those guys sitting at the last, staring at their classmates’ lunch boxes. I preferred the middle rows, rolling into my realm in everyday class. To me listening to teachers was quaint and boring.
“Today is your result”, Dad cried to me folding the newspaper. I hardly responded.
“I will go to your school and see it myself”, he said.
“Ok”, I replied.
Redemption:
During the final leg of my secondary schooling, I was facing my worst ever nightmare and they said I messed up big time in the goddamn final exams. Factually I was above average and Dad was at his best saying ‘This kid ain’t worth it’. I thought that why should my mom get the scolding as he screamed at my mom too. I began to hate my miserable life as I could not fulfil the demands of my father. In an act of anger he rushed towards my mom and there was I, between the silent suffering of my mom and disappointed dad. I had a steel ruler in my hand as I stood against my dad. I realised the stupidity of what I had done when there was a wall of silence in the house for months. We hardly spoke, me and my dad. Life was turning upside down. There’s a ‘new-age saying’ that if you can’t make it, just fake it. I had to fake my happiness by aimlessly cycling with buddies, bunking math and science classes. Never a day passed without confrontation by dad for my activities and I was telling to myself that he was the reason for what I had become then. Those days I wish to forget and tried to erase them off my memory as I lost sight of myself. I was praised so much for my mischief in the class and parents were insulted.
Repurpose:
Dad broke his silence barrier when he saw me cramming up so hard for the twelfth grade board exam. Even then he told that I wouldn’t survive the math exam without his help. I thought we were back to where we started. After completing the exams, I went upstate to my uncle’s place at Chennai. When the results finally arrived, dad was happy with my performance and I got a sensible score. To all those people who yelled at me “Hey this guy has scored well!! This girl will definitely get Anna University. Why didn’t you study properly?” I replied “Piss off!! This is ME! I can get only this much “. Henceforth the hunt for college began. People in the house chose a college for me and I had to stay in the hostel. On first of day of college, I saw signs ‘Welcoming all the budding engineers’ on the billboard and “Will I ever become one?” in my head. Dad sarcastically said “Don’t cry” when he dropped me off at the hostel.
Upon living in the hostel, I had so much experiments and experiences with life. I missed all the love and affection of my parents and I was somehow trying to fit-in but it was so hard for me to adjust with the food they throw at our plates. It felt like I was jailed. You gotta fight for your food and in the process you will get your pants painted with sambar. I used to think that why should these guys fight to eat tasteless food but it took me months to learn that they are driven by hunger and stress caused by the college and the travel to outskirts of the city in dog vans, our buses. Even now they serve the food with same taste and attitude. So much commitment they have towards the taste of the crap they prepare. If you go for a strike, the principal would threaten to wipe out the whole department. What a jerk!! My taste buds were dead in a week and we practised fasting most of the times as we aren’t allowed to go out of the campus after 6. I know guys who lost so many kilos in first five days. Few seemed like victims of tuberculosis. The warden would think that he belongs to the management itself and he is the absolute authority. But we thought rules are meant to be broken. We indulged in as many activities as we could to stay alive, like using mobile phones, celebrating birthday parties at midnight etc.
Catharsis:
Gradually, I got accustomed to the new life. Perhaps I had no time to worry because of the tiring schedule after the long holiday. From a hardcore Brahmin family who think that even clock’s ticking because of god, I was struggling to adjust with my roommates. One of my friends got me into rock; Linkin Park was the band we listened. I was so bored listening to boy band pop albums and needed some change in the rhythm. The band just took away my breath with their lyrics and alternative rock music. I remember spending most of the time shoving in my headphones and listening to LP in all its glory. I began to shift my attention to western music. Every moment was juxtaposed with LP’s lyrics while I played dead in reality.
As usual, classes were boring stuff to us and we would pull the semester off by studying on the night before. I have seen people who would mug the entire book without missing out the punctuation marks and I have seen people like me who would become authors while writing the exam. Lecturers were paid off well to dictate whatever is present on the prescribed text book. Weekends were bliss at my uncle’s place and served as my personal place of rejuvenation. I had to trade it off if I flunked in the monthly exams. I had been oblivious for the past three years regardless of the chaos around me as I was haloed with emptiness, wanting change for pursuing my purpose. It took a lot of pain and effort to achieve change in my miserable life.
Resurrection:
Enlightened by the wisdom of Robin Sharma, T.T. Rangarajan, Shiv Kera and Brian Tracy, I finally found myself. I learnt that it’s not the colour of the balloon that makes it go upwards but the air. This applies to our life too!! Attitude keeps us afloat as what’s inside that counts. Instead of whining over any situation, let’s shift our sight to the positive aspects of it. We can turn tables here!! Any setback can be a step forward if our attitude towards it changes. What seems out of reach will be in your hands!! To stay happy I just focussed my energy towards doing what I really like. Be it anything you like. Just hold on to it!!! Things will make sense then. Bury the past and remember that it takes only seconds to change our present. All those emotional agitations can be avoided which in turn unleashes our full potential. Your outside happenings are just the reflections of the inside state. You can just snap out of all the sufferings with inner peace. My life changed dramatically by constant introspection along with the backup plan from those authors.
Soon enough I was making magic in my life rather than just simply existing. I, along with my roommates began cooking for ourselves in the hostel and it was so much fun to share the work. I realised everything becomes exciting when you add love to it. I started appreciating music of all kinds and made my own tunes in my mind every now and then. Inspired by the works of a friend, took up photography as a hobby first and then it became my passion. By closing the shutter, I stop time to enjoy the exquisiteness of things around me and breathing with the moments I cherish. As soon as I began shooting, I was unable to satisfy the quench for perfection of the ‘critics’. I only do it for me and for fun!! And not to impress you folks!! ‘For the first time in years, my dad lauded my work and life was just happening!!!!
Euphoria:
Ever since I knew this world, I have never tasted true happiness until then. Yet there was a catch. I never studied seriously since my school. I have been adding so much E grades to my semester mark sheets lately. Who cares :P !!!
Mid-2011 was promising from the beginning as I was uncaged from the hostel and was allowed to move in with friends. There was this ‘placement’ buzz in the college and all the IT biggies were about to visit our college for recruitment. I never took tutoring sessions seriously and my fellow classmates would sit with aptitude books for hours. I had decided to go abroad for my further studies and then I was hopeless after I messed in GRE. So I convinced myself to attend the placements just for securing a job. “This is how you solve aptitude questions”, my friend said after he had worked out a dozen problems. “I can’t do it man “, I replied as I realised the seriousness of bunking math classes. “ Use your GRE skills man!!” people said. I had never solved problems of that sort and I was hoping to score in the verbal section. On the last week before placement, I sat down with the materials and solved only few problems in each section. It was more than enough I thought.
The time when I was confident of solving the math section, it was placement day already. I was wearing a Reid & Taylor shirt for the first time for the interview. I was dumb enough to think that my shirt itself would make a statement and H.R would give the appointment order right away :P. It was Infosys on first day and we were all seated for written test. Someone from the company entered our class and shouted “If you aren’t eligible then you better leave this place. The entry criteria would be sixty percentage above “. When few guys along with me stood up to enquire if it’s okay to be a six pointer, we were sent out of the class with a ”get out” from the Infosys guy. “There goes the loser” I said to me. Then our placement co-ord convinced him and sent us inside. Actually there was confusion between CGPA and the percentage. As soon as I got into the question paper I began to solve the problems with much ease. After completing the test we were made to wait for 2 hours straight before they announced the results. The names of those who were qualified to the next round were read out in lists. Many names went by but I was sitting there like a duck. My friends who have been sitting beside me were sent to the next round and I was hoping for a miracle to happen. To my surprise, they called out my name and I left for the next round. I thought that those days spent with aptitude training software during my eighth grade paid off pretty well.
Before the next round, I was made to wait again. The situation demanded more patience than of what I actually had. In the next round, I had to wait for 3 hours straight and all the students who were selected for the H.R round were already interviewed. I was one among the last five to be called out. The guy who was doing the job called the four of them except me. By the time I realized that my name was accidently included, he said “Your application is here!! Go for the next round”. I gave a relieved sigh and was waiting again in front of the H.R room.
One of the H.R officers came out having a conversation over the phone, “We have successfully completed the recruitment in Anand Institute!! “
Me: “WTF?????”
Bad ‘me’: You are all f ’ed up man!! Screw this job! We’ll do M.S.
Good ‘me’: Be patient. You will nail this.
Bad ‘me’: Don’t listen to him. He will pull you down under.
Good ‘me’: If you don’t get into a decent university, you will have to beg for a job.
Bad ‘me’: We can sit at home, eat and manage with dad’s income.
Me: Shut up you idiots!!!
Finally!! I was called for the H.R interview.
H.R: How do you feel to be interviewed at last after 143 students?
Me: I have a lotta patience ma’am.
“I am freaked out. Gimme the goddamn job”, I wanted to say.
H.R: Very Good. If you want, you can go out and have something. I’ll wait.
Me: Am good. I can manage.
H.R: So, Let’s find out if you have what it takes!!!
Me: Sure. That’s why I’m here.
After having a brief interview, a discussion I would say, about the unknown qualities in me, it was 20 minutes past 8.
H.R: Am happy that you can motivate people. You have lots of patience too. You like to travel a lot and can adapt to anything. Am I right???
Me: Yes ma’am. I do have those in me.
H.R: Okay. I’m done. See ya at Mysore!!
The last statement was evident enough that I would be selected but I wasn’t so sure. I was told that I was selected and for real. When people asked me about the interview, I simply said, “Piece of cake!! Pulled it off!! “:P.
Assuming the world doesn’t end, I gear up for 2012, my next mission if I choose to accept it, is weight reduction :P :D
These are my scars and souvenirs! The memory of a lifetime!! I thank all my dear friends and my family for teaching me the lessons on life. I can hold my head up high and proudly say, “This is where I belong!! I tried and lived it to fullest!!"
