You must be wondering, “What could have possibly changed in life since the last post?” Every damn thing. In the blink of an eye. Even my time zone right now. I'm staring at a big ‘Told you so’. Murphy’s Law followed me to the end of the world.
Price of honesty:
The moment I met her five months ago I knew she was the one. I don’t usually connect with people that soon but with her, it was instantaneous. My British rock song. Heck, she was my shock of the lightning. That song by Oasis will make you drop and dive out from an aeroplane. In fact I asked her out to skydive with me for our first date. I know. I'm awesome like that. I've never felt like that in a long, long time. So I guess you can imagine how she fuelled my attitude towards life. With all the petty mindless bickering that happened at home, I was half way convinced to take the next flight home. Finally after meeting her, it made sense to get up every morning, feel the sun on the face and see the light that reminded me that I'm finally here where I belong. The States. As I delightfully cherished her presence in my life, I could not put a label on my feelings for her. When I told her how I felt, she turned me down and shut the door on my face. She also told me that this would never happen in this lifetime. I figured it will be difficult for both of us to hang out together as we’re part of the same gang. So I insisted that I walk away to which she refused and acted all cool about it. But the irony here is that soon after we're strangers. I was upset that she wouldn't even give the friendship that I wanted. Even an acquaintance. The California trip was the getaway that was supposed to set things right instead of spiralling down in flames into never-ending sorrow.
The Unthinkable:
As soon as I returned, I began shifting my focus to other things that existed all of a sudden and shook me to my senses from oblivion. One thing led to another, I was estranged from my group of friends because of a misunderstanding. I had to jump ship when I realized that I was being treated unfair. I was expecting that everything will go down in flames with the heart screaming loud enough to reach the breaking point. The greatest pain is when you have to lie to yourself that everything will be alright. I was a prisoner of war to whom the light shines yet blinding and the things that make you happy are just mirages on a desert. I reached out to those things only to see them vanish into thin air. I did anything and everything that distracted me from all this. That's when I decided to do some physical activities like going to gym, playing volleyball and table tennis. Time answered when I asked, "Can it get more worse?". I twisted my right knee outwards when I dived to hit the ball. I heard a huge snap as I fell on the sand. One casual volleyball game turned into a nightmare. Doctors reckoned that the ligament and meniscus of the knee flipped, got buried within bones and that it needed to be surgically fixed. I couldn't walk from my bed to the kitchen to fetch water, let alone cook there. The braces poked me hard right into my leg muscles and crutches were a extra pair of legs. Parents, shocked and worried, were making arrangements for the surgery back in India as it was cheaper. Here I was consoling mom not to worry about my injury and that we could get through this when we can get through anything. Truth is, I couldn't show her the weak side of me as it would only make her more sad. Like all stages of my life that glorified darkness, I was left to fend off on my own.
Incision of Hope:
In no time I was lying on the surgery table, not feeling the other half of my body as though it was cut away. The result of local anaesthesia that got punched in to my spine. Yet, I was able to hear the sawing and cutting loud and clear. I was brought back to the hospital bed after three painful hours. The pain kicked in as soon as the anaesthesia began to wear out as I slowly regain senses in my lower body. I started to spiral from within, screaming out in pain and so I was put to sleep with heavy dose painkillers. There was some scope of recovery when I went from not being able to walk to walking two feet with assistance. Getting up, walking, sitting upright. These were the things I was restricted to do. Yeah, I only could lie flat on the bed. As the leave period was tight, I was advised to go through a strict exercise regime for my leg so that I can get to my classes by Spring semester.
Bend or Break:
"I can't feel my effing leg". I wanted to shout at the doctor's face when she wasn't happy that I was lagging behind. She was pushing me beyond my limits like an angry trainer. One week, I was lying motionless as my mom ran my errands for me. Friends and relatives were there to tell me stories with people with worse conditions than me. I was willing to pay goddamn million dollars to shut them up about it but I understood that they cared. I remembered the days I used to take long walks, run on the treadmill just to see how much farther I can go. Walking seemed like a distant dream. With cautious little struggles, I started to strengthen the quadriceps that will support the injured areas and I was able to lift my leg with great efforts. I refused any kind of assistance from parents and pushed aside the crutches so that I can walk.
The Hook Awaits:
I came back to the States even when there wasn't full recovery. Grad life was moving in a rapid pace that I thought I would drown in the jetstream. I figured that this was going to be a relapse after moving back in to the four walls that held me captive after injury. I don't know if I will be able to survive this. My reputation precedes me at this time and tells me how this time, it is going to be different. Yes, the pain and struggle will follow wherever I go. Besides I've got quite the rap sheet for picking fights with mediocrity all the time. Only now, I can plant my legs firm on the ground through the blizzard with my left leg supporting his brother, the right leg, with strength. I got angels watching me bare-knuckle boxing my way out. I will render a southpaw even when the storm is all in it's glory and uppercut the overwhelming odds. It's about time I levelled the playing field limping towards life one step at a time.
