I’ve always asked this question,
every time I begin to write my heart out.
“Why do I write?” I’m ready to give an answer now. I write because I
want to remember these struggles for long and because of my growing and
growling passion to write things. And pain makes me write.
A Blind and Blunt arrow (July 2012):
One month ago, I was pondering over
the thought why I studied Engineering, yet somehow managed to complete it.
Nevertheless, I had to wait for almost eight months to join the company. Out of
infantile curiosity, took up French classes. During the period, it had become a
habit roaming within the city where we photo-freaks find it attractive. We were
aimlessly roaming through the streets grabbing occasional moments for perfect
pictures. I had zero intention of getting serious about life in the near
future. I just wanted to spread my hands wider and embrace it. While the course
was in progress, my friend invited me to attend an interview for a company. I
had to refuse it because of the conditional timings. Opportunities knocked not
once but twice.
Frolic times (September 2012):
I was offered a second chance to keep
aside fun and get things going. But it was fun, fun and fun all over. A taxi to
take you to work and home, a company where there are no concrete rules, plenty
of fun-loving buddies and a decent paycheck. “What more I want??” I thought. Deep down below I knew that it has to end
some day. Do I look like I care?
Initial bout (June 2013 – July 2013):
It was time to move out of the city.
I was indeed going to live in a different state outta reach from the caring
hands. Will they send me back in the next train? Will my life turn hell?. Mixed
emotions began to gush into
my mind before the train departed. Not even a teeny tiny hope of getting a
better life. I totally sucked at the initial foundation program which was given
as an online course. So
the result was clear outta the mist.
The campus was larger than life
itself. With sprawling greenery, there was beauty wherever the eyes can see.
The preliminary tests were a big flop and I was moved to a different training
level. It felt as though I was caught in a blizzard. The excruciatingly painful
cold and the canopy of darkness engulfed me till my neck. My feet seemed like
they’ll break away from my legs any time and were begging me to give up. I just
could not handle the pressure and I break at the first sight of pressure.
I was
widening my playlist genres that time. My usual guitar riffs slowly turned dark
and heavy, with the
vocals becoming screams. Trust me, I was screaming out loud. I would storm off
to play table-tennis to vent out my anger.
With the aid from my friends, I
slowly began to shake the cold off my feet. I started to stride and eventually I ran. During the
initial few days, I felt like I was cornered in a boxing ring where my opponent
beat the hell outta me. The entire body seemed to run outta energy but there
was one part of that will not lose strength, my heart. I was actually pounding back with
each blow to the face.
The Climb (
I was moved to stream training then.
These are officially called ‘fool-around’ days. I was back to my old ways of
being a loafer with that loose cannon attitude. Failures followed. It was
like I was thrown into a pit. A pit where you will be forged with anger and
pain. A man can suffer only so long, after which he becomes numb. I flunked in
every test in every possible way. I knew nothing. I've also been posted
elsewhere from my home city which made the situation worse.
I've
got only one chance to prove myself worthy of the job. With each struggle, the
stakes got larger. It was the survival of the fittest. I have been collecting failures
and carrying it over my shoulder as a burden. The weight pressed on as I knelt
down in my knees. Throbbing in pain, I fell apart into pieces. I was
desperately searching for answers. Answers that would save me from this
inferno. There
was a special screening in our multiplex and "Bhag Milkha Bhag" was
the movie. I decided to take a break and shelve my worries.
Exactly
the window I needed. There was this kid who was scared to death to fight the
outside world and then one day he was choked until he realized that there was
no hope. He had to fight somehow. The pain then turned to anger. With the help of
his mentors, he pushed long and hard that the walls shattered. The courage to brawl
back, manifested in his soul, for he never ever gives up. I was reminded who I was.
It
was the time when life taught me the most important lesson in winning, holding
on no matter what happens. I heard them all saying that it's a long way up the
pit. It was about time to make the climb and in the end I'll either make or
break. I made small careful and cautious efforts making one step at a time. The pace
gradually increased only to see me falling down in every move. I wiped the
dripping sweat as I stood gazing upwards.
The strength that was buried long, surfaced to the body. The more angry
I was, the more higher I rose.
Sometimes
it felt futile to fight as after all this ends, I ll still be far away from
home. And you always want to go home.
Regardless, I decided to end what I started. It took umpteen hours of
struggle to see the light at the top of the pit. I won.
During
the final days of the rigorous training, I received a phone call asking me to
meet the H.R. I was expecting them to throw me far, out in the north.
H.R:
"I don't know if this is good or bad news. You have been asked to relocate
to a new unit"
I
had reckoned it exactly. Before I could move on along with my thoughts, she
said, " Your will be reallocated to our manufacturing support unit based
out in Chennai". I was dumb-struck. I ran back to my room, sharing the
news to my friends on the way. I sat before the mirror and saw a tiny tear drop crawling out of the eye.
Miracles
do happen. Keep fighting your way out. You don't have to keep looking for it.
It finds you.
As
it's time to return in a few days, I remember all the hearts that helped me
succeed. I touch and feel my scars that reminds me of who I am, setting my sights upon the road ahead.
Lost but won (
Everyone’s
driven by something. The tag line for the movie ‘Rush’. Every inch of the movie
moved my soul. The deafening roar of the Formula 1 car engines, the fire of
passion in the drivers’ eyes and the relentless odds they face. Like them, I’m obsessed
to fight and succeed. It’s amazing how you feel when the adrenaline pumps
inside your body to thrust you forwards with a raging speed, wanting to
challenge everything that your eyes see. That feeling you get when your odds
vanish away from the rear view mirror. I wanted more of all this. The thought kept me alive.
I
moved in back to my home state and surprisingly, everything was so neatly
arranged and sorted. I was told that I’ve been roped in for an automobile
project as soon as I joined. But there was no official news. So, I had to wait.
The
hardest part is to wait. I was restless, like a hungry beast. The adrenaline
that was fired up earlier during my training never diminished. I was a king
without a war. Felt as though my purpose
was taken back from me. Sometimes it felt like I got the reallocation and the
project out of pure luck and not as a reward for my struggle. Weird thoughts
crept in and I needed to settle down. Luck is something very new to me and giving
it to my hands, I had no clue as to what I should do. Those were things that weren't truly in my control and with this mind, I finally came to rest.
I
wanted a fight where there’s no space for luck and can only be fought with
mettle. I landed up in a project soon enough and I’m finally working.
Now
when I look back, there are frames of perfect and difficult moments that I
fondly shared. Thanks to you my friends (Pravs, Muthu, Raji, Loki, Nive, Doss, Prat and much more) for being with me the whole time and
for saying straight to my face that I will win.
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